Writing exercise: How to be happy

found here

Three things I am grateful for:

1. Being in love with someone who is fabulous, caring and clever and having him love me back.
2. My central heating - I've lived in places without it and it's so lovely being warm tonight
3. All the washing-up is done and I didn't have to do it

Sleeping

Last night I pinpointed the real reason he's amazing; because when we have sex and he looks at me, it's me he sees and he's glad of it and it makes him full of love and happy and joy and I can see that. Lots of people when you have sex with are seeing a version of you; they have something like a porn film behind their eyes and couldn't give a damn about the Youness of it.

He's sleeping now, very sweetly. I couldn't wake him. Too pretty not to touch, with a bottom peeking out of the bedclothes that gets squeezed when I go by (but doesn't seem to wake him). And to pretty not to photograph the curled up boy in bed who brings out this protective urge in me.

Amazing in bed

What makes someone amazing in bed?

If there's one thing I've most liked about my life so far, it's the way that sex keeps getting better. I can't say for certain why. Perhaps it's partly my relentless pursuit of the kind of sex I'll enjoy. Perhaps it's the improvement in my communication with my partners. Perhaps it's the loss of self-consciousness that allows me to plunge into the experience that bit more fully.

And sometimes it's just the people you do it with. Not anything physically specific about the people involved, despite the opinions of lots of people it really is more about skills and personality than a specific size or shape. There is always the right angle for every partner.

Finding fabulous sex makes me want it more. It makes me want to go out and find new partners and share what I've found and tell my gorgeous boy how much I love him for finding it with me. What is it about him and me together that works so well? It's somewhere in the meeting of eyes, the communication of bodies and minds together, somewhere in the yielding, either of us can give, something about the love we share and the passion, how we fuel each other's desire relentlessly.

And I never want to give it up.

Contentment

I feel worlds stacked up of contentment. I got a lot of good things this weekend :) I enjoy being in charge so much, but it's hard sometimes afterwards. Particularly getting over the sadism barrier - I feel guilty afterwards and have to be reassured that he liked it. It feels amazing to be trusted to do that.

Chauffeurs

Sexy ones.

It's a bit annoying when all you want is an attractive male person dressed in a chauffeur's uniform and all that Google can offer you is this

What would you do, if you could do anything?

Indulge your wildest fantasies. You can do anything. To prove how much I love and trust you.

Are not these the kind of phrases that send shivers up the spine of everyone who tops? The moment when I know he yields to me is when I feel myself change, become charged with power and difference. I remember small things afterwards, trusting eyes, baby talk, orgasm as reward and nurture.

Will I do anything? Would you? There are lots of things I think about, some of them taboo. The reality contains much giving. Do I need an element of service top not to feel guilty, or it is just because that scene and others like it were hot as fuck? I forgot to write about the holiday we took together, about the joy of being licked clean after sex when I know he doesn't want to.

I know how often my topping is driven by me noticing what I see as his need for it; I want to bring clarity, authority, certainty; give strength. If I am doing it just from my desire alone, will it still do those things? What if we're trying a fantasy that's all about what I want with only the odd reward for him? Is that even right? I don't know where to look to for answers, because the majority of the Internet is packed with fantasies written by men about exactly the above - and with the kind of dominatrix-sex that I don't want to have.

Lloyds Pharmacy - Sex Degrees of Separation Calculator

You have had 4,243,120 indirect and direct sexual partners.

Lloyds Pharmacy - Sex Degrees of Separation Calculator

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I hated this. I hate anything that requires me to count my sexual partners. I'm in principle against it, I don't entirely know what is "supposed" to count as sex (and don't entirely care), I find it judgemental and annoying, I don't know whether or not I'm "supposed" to count the "sexual partner" who had sex with me against my will or not.

I don't like the message this sends much, either. Almost all of my sexual partners have been protected sex. The rest (except one, current, "taking-results-on-faith" lover) had full sexual health checks which were negative. I go for regular checks myself. What has it got to somehow mean, these results, when I'm careful and protected? Not to many the majority of STIs a person can catch are cureable with antibiotics? You can be a virgin and catch HIV from the first person you sleep with because you don't use protection. You can sleep with as many people as me (which frankly I don't feel is nearly enough as I'd like it to be on day) and be 100% STI-free and having gained experience that enables you to seriosuly enjoy your sex.