Life and Loves of Queen Mab

Writing exercise: How to be happy

2009-11-02T21:58:00.002Z

found here

Three things I am grateful for:

1. Being in love with someone who is fabulous, caring and clever and having him love me back.
2. My central heating - I've lived in places without it and it's so lovely being warm tonight
3. All the washing-up is done and I didn't have to do it

Sleeping

2009-10-18T12:07:00.003+01:00

Last night I pinpointed the real reason he's amazing; because when we have sex and he looks at me, it's me he sees and he's glad of it and it makes him full of love and happy and joy and I can see that. Lots of people when you have sex with are seeing a version of you; they have something like a porn film behind their eyes and couldn't give a damn about the Youness of it.

He's sleeping now, very sweetly. I couldn't wake him. Too pretty not to touch, with a bottom peeking out of the bedclothes that gets squeezed when I go by (but doesn't seem to wake him). And to pretty not to photograph the curled up boy in bed who brings out this protective urge in me.

Amazing in bed

2009-10-17T14:42:00.003+01:00

What makes someone amazing in bed?

If there's one thing I've most liked about my life so far, it's the way that sex keeps getting better. I can't say for certain why. Perhaps it's partly my relentless pursuit of the kind of sex I'll enjoy. Perhaps it's the improvement in my communication with my partners. Perhaps it's the loss of self-consciousness that allows me to plunge into the experience that bit more fully.

And sometimes it's just the people you do it with. Not anything physically specific about the people involved, despite the opinions of lots of people it really is more about skills and personality than a specific size or shape. There is always the right angle for every partner.

Finding fabulous sex makes me want it more. It makes me want to go out and find new partners and share what I've found and tell my gorgeous boy how much I love him for finding it with me. What is it about him and me together that works so well? It's somewhere in the meeting of eyes, the communication of bodies and minds together, somewhere in the yielding, either of us can give, something about the love we share and the passion, how we fuel each other's desire relentlessly.

And I never want to give it up.

Contentment

2009-10-10T20:06:00.003+01:00

I feel worlds stacked up of contentment. I got a lot of good things this weekend :) I enjoy being in charge so much, but it's hard sometimes afterwards. Particularly getting over the sadism barrier - I feel guilty afterwards and have to be reassured that he liked it. It feels amazing to be trusted to do that.

Chauffeurs

2009-10-10T20:05:00.001+01:00

Sexy ones.

It's a bit annoying when all you want is an attractive male person dressed in a chauffeur's uniform and all that Google can offer you is this

What would you do, if you could do anything?

2009-10-06T09:34:00.006+01:00

Indulge your wildest fantasies. You can do anything. To prove how much I love and trust you.

Are not these the kind of phrases that send shivers up the spine of everyone who tops? The moment when I know he yields to me is when I feel myself change, become charged with power and difference. I remember small things afterwards, trusting eyes, baby talk, orgasm as reward and nurture.

Will I do anything? Would you? There are lots of things I think about, some of them taboo. The reality contains much giving. Do I need an element of service top not to feel guilty, or it is just because that scene and others like it were hot as fuck? I forgot to write about the holiday we took together, about the joy of being licked clean after sex when I know he doesn't want to.

I know how often my topping is driven by me noticing what I see as his need for it; I want to bring clarity, authority, certainty; give strength. If I am doing it just from my desire alone, will it still do those things? What if we're trying a fantasy that's all about what I want with only the odd reward for him? Is that even right? I don't know where to look to for answers, because the majority of the Internet is packed with fantasies written by men about exactly the above - and with the kind of dominatrix-sex that I don't want to have.

Lloyds Pharmacy - Sex Degrees of Separation Calculator

2009-09-23T12:31:00.003+01:00

You have had 4,243,120 indirect and direct sexual partners.

Lloyds Pharmacy - Sex Degrees of Separation Calculator

Shared via AddThis

I hated this. I hate anything that requires me to count my sexual partners. I'm in principle against it, I don't entirely know what is "supposed" to count as sex (and don't entirely care), I find it judgemental and annoying, I don't know whether or not I'm "supposed" to count the "sexual partner" who had sex with me against my will or not.

I don't like the message this sends much, either. Almost all of my sexual partners have been protected sex. The rest (except one, current, "taking-results-on-faith" lover) had full sexual health checks which were negative. I go for regular checks myself. What has it got to somehow mean, these results, when I'm careful and protected? Not to many the majority of STIs a person can catch are cureable with antibiotics? You can be a virgin and catch HIV from the first person you sleep with because you don't use protection. You can sleep with as many people as me (which frankly I don't feel is nearly enough as I'd like it to be on day) and be 100% STI-free and having gained experience that enables you to seriosuly enjoy your sex.

Grieving

2009-09-23T12:18:00.003+01:00

I'm grieving. One of my friends will die sometime soon of a terminal disease. Nothing seems to help, for long. Work is a distraction built out of hell to make me stressed and ill; time with friends become mutual sadness.

In all this there is one thing. It helps, I don't know why. Sex. My sex drive took a dramatic increase this week, which is interesting mostly because I didn't know it could be much higher.

In nothing as much as sex can one lose oneself completely, for a few moments, live in a world that is sensation, fantasy, unreality. There's the closeness, too, the intimacy that comes from one's bodies communicating with each other and the eyes that meet and know what they are saying. There's the life, defiant life, in the act that brought us into this world and which means ALIVE more than anything else, presence in the moment.

Polka Dot Woman

2009-09-06T10:05:00.002+01:00

It may just be the references to the desirable state of being a lady that annoyed me in this article.

I can't help thinking though that the author has entirely missed the point. Is the retro trend escapism? I've been a fan of vintage clothes, art and music for a long time - back before this latest bout of popularity. What I do remember about my 1980s childhood was Laura Ashley. The case for escapism is as easily made in the 1980s as here, and the market was flowing with apocalyptic books (particularly for children) with understandable reasons, considering the political climate.

I dress feminine. I dress that way because it suits me, I'm femme because that is me. I'm no lady. If I wear delicate patterns and bows and ribbons, polka dots and big skirts, it's to say, Look. Here I am. I can wear all of this and I still won't do what you tell me. I wear all of this and am every woman, in every age of history, who ever stood up to anybody. I'm the invisible women that no-one listened to.

Review: Filament magazine

2009-09-05T09:36:00.003+01:00

Issue one of Filament

This was a treat. The editorial asks you to remember enjoying magazines, back in the early teenage years when magazines were good. And I was transported back to that strange feeling of wanting to read all the articles. Not being let down by the articles. Actually reading a magazine, for the first time in more than a decade, that was for me.

I was expecting something slightly different; a magazine full of naked objectified men to be precise. There are pictures of men in the magazine and they are good to look at. They are not objectified and they are given personality space in the form of short interviews. I am glad, when I think about it, that this was the choice made. We do not become stronger as women by weakening men and equality is for everyone. Or, perhaps, treat others as we wish to be treated. The respect for the models was pleasing.

Content included science fiction, history, sexual politics, an advice column, poetry and fiction, a recipe (vegetarian and not so much my kind of thing).

It is a wrench because I'm on a tight budget; on the other hand £7 a quarter is different from £7 a month. And I'm already justifying to myself why I should be allowed to buy Issue 2 (out now!)

Tethered

2009-08-20T21:21:00.002+01:00

A random fantasy, out of nowhere last night.

Man, tethered by the limbs to a fence. Metal rings holding him in place. He's naked, in the grass and mud. On all fours, strong; animal.

In the parts of this fantasy I can remember (it's fading fast, now) I was fucking him, hard, as he wallowed in mud and moaned and I clutched his strong shoulders and it felt so, so good.

Sticky

2009-08-19T12:21:00.001+01:00

Sticky between the legs, on a pleasant morning where I recalled a memory of my lover licking me clean after sex for the first time, and embellished the memory with some added male objectification for extra kicks.

Much to catch up on, posting here, too!

Unkempt

2009-08-11T11:53:00.002+01:00

So, in further to yesterday's post, today was the first bra-less day. It is also an at-home day. I was particularly lucky to get fisted at the weekend, but it seemed my cunt wanted something of a rest in consequence, so I have had to give it a day of fresh air, too. So it was with no underwear, a pretty pink dress and jumper, and last night's bedtime plait that I headed out to the local shops this morning.

One thing that had escaped my memory is that consciousness of being British - why did I think anyone would consider saying anything to my face if they noticed anything? It's a fairly supportive dress, with a band that runs in a v straight underneath the breasts and the jumper hid the absence of straps. I felt slightly Little House on the Prairie with a printed dress and practical plait that there had been no time to redo.

And it was extremely comfortable too!

Boobies boobies boobies

2009-08-10T12:53:00.003+01:00

So, I'm typing this braless. Which is not uncommon, because even comfy bras want taking off at the end of the day. However, it's only lunchtime. But I just started reading articles about how wearing a bra causes the breasts to sag. Which is nicely in opposition to everything I have ever been told. I'm even considering going out without bra on, which causes a strange amount of angst and concern.

I used to not wear a bra. I was around 17, 18, at sixth-form college. I often went barefoot, too, partly from the joy of not having to wear a school uniform any more and partly because it was comfortable - I was wearing a 34C at the time and it wasn't my size. Remembering some of the loose tops I used to wear, I'm surprised now that I managed to feel comfortable. But then, I think I rather wanted to be ogled, at least by people of my own age. And I liked how early fumblings didn't have an awkward "over-the-bra" stage, particularly as none of the boys had learned yet how to undo bras and there was enough of the romantic left in me to want to have them do the tearing off of clothes.

Now, it might be a little stranger, couple of sizes up and still own many of the same tops, which have got a bit tighter over the past ten years. I wonder: would I get a bad reaction? Or would no-one say anything at all?

Celebrity Death

2009-06-26T19:38:00.002+01:00

Why I Don't Give A Shit

All day. Seriously. I just need a place to rant. How, all day, can the only topic of conversation amongst colleagues (and when I get home, on fucking Facebook be the death of someone who they didn't even know? And about whom the best you can say is "He was a somewhat fucked up individual".

Why are people so scared of the power of death? We all die. It's normal. It's not tragic. I care about the people I know who have died recently, their friends and family, and the people I know who lost somebody. I feel mildly saddened when an author dies because they won't be writing any more books (if I liked their books - some have lived too long already on that score).

And who came up with "Don't speak ill of the dead" and has anyone proceeded to discreetly kill them and speak ill of them.

And then people say that they died young. Young for someone with money living in a rich, Western country, yes. It doesn't seem to matter how many people who aren't famous die...

Bondage Mistress

2009-06-23T13:40:00.002+01:00

Someone asked me today if I could send him any pictures of me being a "hot bondage Mistress". An otherwise sane-seeming person, who I was having reasonable conversation with.

When I am being a "Hot Bondage Mistress (TM)", the hot part generally refers to the tea I am drinking. And you can't see what I'm wearing anyway because you've got a blindfold on, but when I take it off you'll notice I'm wearing the T shirt I met you in, possibly with no bottom half if I've been doing things to you with my cunt, possibly with no top half if it was really hot when I was fiddling around with knots. If you call me a Mistress I will likely assume you are referring to my status within a poly relationship and probably slap you. Unless you like being slapped.

And so I have thought of the only possible use for feminisation. Guys like this. Who deserve to be invited over for "hot bondage mistress" time. I should ask them first to be specific about what a hot bondage mistress wears, and to bring along an outfit. Then make them put on the high-heeled boots themselves and bugger off to have a cup of tea. Maybe they'd learn something from it.

Bondage

2009-06-20T14:25:00.003+01:00

What I'd like is bondage aimed at women who like to get fucked by men who are restrained to please them at the same time.

There's lots of bondage sets on the market that seem to be aimed at men who want their female partner restrained so their legs are in the right place for them to enjoy their sex better, or women who want to fuck their men with a strap-on (which okay, I do want to do, but this is a separate issue).

But where is the stuff geared towards the "You are going to fuck me hard, in this precise way, and you have to keep on doing it exactly like that due to restraints or evil sadistic methods"? I keep seeing things that assume I'm always going to be on top or doing the penetrating, but in reality, what is hotter than having a man use all his strength to fuck me really, really hard until I come?

Wrapping Part Two

2009-05-23T12:12:00.002+01:00

It's time to get access to the toys. I don't think he knows why I have placed coins over his nipples. I get the first aid scissors from the bag and sit over him, weight on my knees, one on each side. The blindfold is gone - I have to see his eyes for this part.

Can you be brave for me?

I make him promise, wait to see the certainty in his eyes. I want him to face fear and overcome it and I know how he feels about blades near him. I know I am not directly crossing limits but I'm treading all over the boundaries and that's why I have to watch him and know he trusts me.

I cut holes in the clingfilm where the 50ps are, carefully, stopping to watch his expression. I am nervous; excited; I feel like I am holding all his feelings in my heart and the simple act of cutting clingfilm is become as nerve wracking as cutting skin would be. I free his nipples and he is brave for me. It's beautiful and I kiss him and tell him that I love him, which is true, and is charged at this moment with a kind of hyper-loving, nurturing, powerful dominance.

...to be continued...

Wrapping Part One

2009-05-23T11:57:00.006+01:00

We had discussed using clingfilm (I believe it's saran wrap, in America?) awhile ago and agreed it was within limits. I was packing for a weekend away at his house, not knowing what I'd want to use, nothing planned after the long busy week I'd had - my suitcase was a big pile of just-in-case kinky items.

And it happened that I realised I was in the mood for playing with some clingfilm. While he's out of the room, I check my purse for two large coins, and eventually settle on two 50p pieces and place them where I can easily pick them up. I double-check the clingfilm will unroll. I put the blindfold near the top.

Come and play a game. I lead him into the other room and enjoy being the only one who knows what is planned. It's been a mostly relaxing day, but I've given him cause to share some of my own fears and worries and I know the thing he needs most is awareness of his strength, increased confidence and security.

I blindfold him, first. This is ritual for me, even though relaxed, he helps me make sure it's on securely; we are equal in the power struggle - but I know one thing he doesn't know - what is happening next. As soon as I start to wrap him, I begin to feel calm, in control, cocky. I can't find the surgical tape for the coins and make him hold them over his nipples before I wrap the film around to hold them in place. I wonder if he knows they are coins, or what they are for.

I wrap his top half, and from his thighs downwards. I am sure at some stage it would be nice to wrap him up totally, but this is for me now and I want lots of stuff to play with. I have a rush of power, push him backwards onto the bed because I can. If I'd planned for that, I would have made sure it was done more carefully. I spent a few minutes adjusting quilts around the edges of the bed, making him comfortable. He is good at speaking up, letting me know these things - this gives me a glorious kind of freedom, though I still check in a lot.

He's lying on the bed, face up (for now). I make him try to move, to prove he can't stop me doing whatever I choose to do.

...to be continued...

Play with her motherfucking Clit!

2009-05-22T20:09:00.001+01:00

her Clit!

Where was this article three years ago?!

*entertained*

Emotional Abuse

2009-05-22T01:00:00.002+01:00

I don't think emotional abuse is talked about often enough. When it is talked about it's often assumed a) that abusers are all male, victims all female and b) that the abuse is always intentional, whereas I think people are often making themselves as well as others miserable with passive-agressive behaviour.

My experience of emotionally abusive behaviour is varied. I've seen in both men and women. Probably most people alive today will recognise the features of emotional abuse as for so many people that don't feel in control of their own lives (which, for various sociological reasons, women seem to be more prone to) it seems to be the only way they have learnt have power.

Do you feel bad, guilty, self-hating or self-blaming around someone? Does the thought of them make you feel dirty, angry, sad? Those have been my first clues in the past.

I've not written about the ending of my relationship with my once-Daddy on here yet, mostly because my emotions were so confused over the matter. I would go to him and explain something he had said made me uncomfortable and he would ignore me. Not outright - that would perhaps have been too obvious, but he would reinterpret what I said to him so that I could never effectively address a concern. He lied to me, told me he was happy about my other relationship and then tried to control it back the back door. I don't believe it intentional, but I do believe it damaging. It took me two tries to end the relationship, because in the first conversation he simply did not hear me, and then turned it around to make me feel guilty.

I spend a lot less time with my family now, because time with them often feels like an emotional battle of wills. I hope unconsciously I have not picked up aspects of emotional abuse and manipulative is something I watch for in myself. I notice it in the behaviour of friends' girlfriends. It is dramatically common. Why are we not teaching more people to communicate and like themselves instead of manipulating others out of fear?

Signs of emotional abuse:

* The other person places unreasonable demands on you and wants you to put everything else aside to tend to their needs.
* It could be a demand for constant attention, or a requirement that you spend all your free time with the person.
* But no matter how much you give, it's never enough.
* You are subjected to constant criticism, and you are constantly berated because you don't fulfill all this person's needs.

* Denying a person's emotional needs, especially when they feel that need the most, and done with the intent of hurting, punishing or humiliating (Examples)

* The other person may deny that certain events occurred or that certain things were said. confronts the abuser about an incident of name calling, the abuser may insist, "I never said that," "I don't know what you're talking about," etc. You know differently.

* The other person may deny your perceptions, memory and very sanity.

* Withholding is another form of denying. Withholding includes refusing to listen, refusing to communicate, and emotionally withdrawing as punishment. This is sometimes called the "silent treatment."

* Drastic mood changes or sudden emotional outbursts. Whenever someone in your life reacts very differently at different times to the same behavior from you, tells you one thing one day and the opposite the next, or likes something you do one day and hates it the next, you are being abused with unpredictable responses.

* This behavior is damaging because it puts you always on edge. You're always waiting for the other shoe to drop, and you can never know what's expected of you. You must remain hypervigilant, waiting for the other person's next outburst or change of mood.

from here

And here is the checklist I look at regularly as part of watching myself.

I'm Sorry

2009-05-21T08:00:00.001+01:00

I don't like I'm Sorry. And so I have banned it. My gorgeous, lovely man is not to apologise for his existence. And here are my reasons:

I'm sorry says - It's my fault
I'm sorry says - I am not worthy
I'm sorry - makes you feel less of a person
I'm sorry - is not the answer to a Yes or No question
I'm sorry - is not to be your default pathway
I'm sorry - the only apologies you need to make, I will tell you about
I'm sorry - you never need to apologise for who you are
I'm sorry - but you did nothing wrong
I'm sorry - apologies are not an acceptable solution to a problem, but we will work out problems together.
I'm sorry - but I'm here precisely because you are worth so much to me and surpass my expectations.

I love you - and I'm not sorry.

Dom and Top

2009-05-20T23:58:00.000+01:00

I've speculated a lot in the past about the different labels - dominant, or top? Submissive or bottom? Top sounds a sexier word, which makes this harder; and I know that some people identify as Top rather than Dominant but embody much of the emotional/responsibility side I have seen associated with Dominant elsewhere.

Something happened though, something different for me last weekend. For I love to play - I like to give someone what they want, and take what I want. It's arrogant, really, to assume more responsibility to go further - to believe you know what someone needs instead of wants and to enforce it.

When I play, I become arrogant.

I didn't know about myself how freeing this arrogance can be; yet I have always known that I am right, except for when I am wrong, and then I am right because I admit I am wrong. I am naturally bossy, naturally want things to be the way I think they should be, but have always gone in for persuasion rather than bullying. I am every time more and more surprised by the confidence in me that allows me to become arrogant, Dominant, Top, whatever I label it (though today I fancy Sir, as a feminine woman?).

It's a thrilling glorious arrogance that takes days to come down from and rocks my world. Giving someone what they need? When you feel like you are God Herself, and you want to give someone the happiness and confidence they deserve?

I think that was the moment when something changed and I knew I had embraced this so much more completely than I ever imagined. This may be what I was meant to find all along.

Eyes

2009-05-20T20:45:00.001+01:00

I use blindfolds regularly, primarily to heighten sensation and allow him to be freed from reality to a certain extent - restraint combined with a blindfold is really effective for my lover.

However, I adore eye contact. It's pretty much essential if there's going to be pain - I need the connection, need to know that what I am doing is good and right at the same time that it feels dirty and wrong (in a good, well, great way). I adore it when topping, again for the connection - my gorgeous boy has the most expressive eyes so that I know everything that is going on.

Some tops feel challenged by direct eye contact. I don't feel challenged by eye contact; I like a meeting of eyes, accepting - if he avoids them, he's hiding something or needs to have the source of his shyness tackled.

I find mostly that I end up using a combination: a blindfold for distancing, anticipation, surprise ideas, removing it when I want to interact. It's a rush to see someone helpless through sightlessness, though perhaps more of a rush when you see them enforce their own helplessness because you have ordered them to keep their eyes closed. The eyelids struggle, against themselves, to open; the willing submissive tries to force them more closed - I am watching submission in action.

Ten Ways To Be A Great Boyfriend (Of Mab)

2009-05-08T09:45:00.010+01:00

An actual list, in follow up to the last entry. I refuse to generalise, though. Everyone has different needs in a boyfriend.

1. Talk with me.

Note the with. Listening skills are crucial. It's taken me years to be able to adequately raise my problems with someone and communicate issues, so if they aren't listening when I tell them what needs fixing or that I'm desperately unhappy about something, I will get pretty resentful. I also love conversation, people who open up and tell me about themselves and aren't afraid to be vulnerable and reveal private things. I also tend to like regular communication and don't do well in relationships where I hear from people once a week or something.

2. Don't lie, including lies by omission.

I learnt this one a while back, when I had a boyfriend who started out in love with me, but it faded to a friendship love for him. He still continued to tell me that he loved me; but omitted to add "as a friend" to this statement. In general, I can't stand lies. My last relationship died for many reasons, but a major reason was that he lied to me about his insecurities and tried to manipulate his way round them instead of telling the truth and working together with me on fixing the problem.

Which brings me to 3. Don't make me feel bad. Don't manipulate me, exclude me from decisions, or leave me feel powerless and vulnerable. Don't bully me. If you order me around and don't respect my views or feelings as important, or let me down on regular basis, well, it's a warning and you're out, really.

4. Read! Books! This is more important than I can explain.

5. Show me how you feel

Actions, sometimes, feel louder than words. This is true for those people who tell you they love you, then don't remember anything about you, cancel dates at the last minute (or don't show up) or act as described in 2. and 3.

6. Have a large sex drive. I know this is a little unfair, and should perhaps be optional, but it does say "great" in the title.

7. Be a sexual giver, someone who enjoys the pleasure of others

This is the recipe for being good at sex basically; someone who cares about your needs including orgasm and enjoys giving. I enjoy giving too - and when two people enjoy giving you can have the most amazing time.

8. Have a kink of some kind...ideally one I can fit with my own kinks.

9. Able to make me feel that special kind of calmness in being with someone, that makes it not seem like exhausting social effort to be with them, but a comfort in itself somehow.

10. The Excellent Stuff, or, The Amazing Stuff

Now this is different for each individual boyfriend, girlfriend, or lover in general, but an example of this is: 'I want to submit to you.' It's the things that melt your heart.