Emotional Abuse

I don't think emotional abuse is talked about often enough. When it is talked about it's often assumed a) that abusers are all male, victims all female and b) that the abuse is always intentional, whereas I think people are often making themselves as well as others miserable with passive-agressive behaviour.

My experience of emotionally abusive behaviour is varied. I've seen in both men and women. Probably most people alive today will recognise the features of emotional abuse as for so many people that don't feel in control of their own lives (which, for various sociological reasons, women seem to be more prone to) it seems to be the only way they have learnt have power.

Do you feel bad, guilty, self-hating or self-blaming around someone? Does the thought of them make you feel dirty, angry, sad? Those have been my first clues in the past.

I've not written about the ending of my relationship with my once-Daddy on here yet, mostly because my emotions were so confused over the matter. I would go to him and explain something he had said made me uncomfortable and he would ignore me. Not outright - that would perhaps have been too obvious, but he would reinterpret what I said to him so that I could never effectively address a concern. He lied to me, told me he was happy about my other relationship and then tried to control it back the back door. I don't believe it intentional, but I do believe it damaging. It took me two tries to end the relationship, because in the first conversation he simply did not hear me, and then turned it around to make me feel guilty.

I spend a lot less time with my family now, because time with them often feels like an emotional battle of wills. I hope unconsciously I have not picked up aspects of emotional abuse and manipulative is something I watch for in myself. I notice it in the behaviour of friends' girlfriends. It is dramatically common. Why are we not teaching more people to communicate and like themselves instead of manipulating others out of fear?

Signs of emotional abuse:

* The other person places unreasonable demands on you and wants you to put everything else aside to tend to their needs.
* It could be a demand for constant attention, or a requirement that you spend all your free time with the person.
* But no matter how much you give, it's never enough.
* You are subjected to constant criticism, and you are constantly berated because you don't fulfill all this person's needs.

* Denying a person's emotional needs, especially when they feel that need the most, and done with the intent of hurting, punishing or humiliating (Examples)

* The other person may deny that certain events occurred or that certain things were said. confronts the abuser about an incident of name calling, the abuser may insist, "I never said that," "I don't know what you're talking about," etc. You know differently.

* The other person may deny your perceptions, memory and very sanity.

* Withholding is another form of denying. Withholding includes refusing to listen, refusing to communicate, and emotionally withdrawing as punishment. This is sometimes called the "silent treatment."

* Drastic mood changes or sudden emotional outbursts. Whenever someone in your life reacts very differently at different times to the same behavior from you, tells you one thing one day and the opposite the next, or likes something you do one day and hates it the next, you are being abused with unpredictable responses.

* This behavior is damaging because it puts you always on edge. You're always waiting for the other shoe to drop, and you can never know what's expected of you. You must remain hypervigilant, waiting for the other person's next outburst or change of mood.

from here

And here is the checklist I look at regularly as part of watching myself.